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03/04/2007

Texas History Quiz: Take the quiz and see how you do. I think that I have seen
all of these questions in various places before. Anyway I got all of them correct.
-- Marshall --
~ Eva ~

Utah 'Spacemen' Petroglyphs

The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Harkin,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald Simonson

Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service 1-800-289-1040.

~ Becky ~

~ David ~

Hiring? Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.
Send 2 or 3 job candidates into the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come
back after 6 hours. Then analyze the situation:

~ Dianne ~

Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring-Fight: The Cambodian Government allowed the fight to take place, under the condition that they receive a 50% commission on each ticket sold, and that no cameras would be allowed in the arena.
~ Doug C ~

PETA Mistakenly Targets Alaska Church: The pastor at Anchorage First Free Methodist Church was mystified. Why was the activist group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals chastising him? No animals are harmed in the church's holiday nativity display. In fact, animals aren't used at all.

There once was a chicken farmer who lived in a small village in China. One
year, all of his chickens were afflicted with a strange blight that caused
them to lose their feathers.

The farmer was deeply concerned about this, because winter was coming, and,
if the chickens had no feathers, they would freeze to death. So, the farmer
decided to consult the two wisest men in the land.

First, he visited Mr. Ching, the renowned scholar. Mr. Ching leafed through
all his agricultural and medicinal texts and poured over books and scrolls
well into the night. Finally, he returned to the farmer and told him that if
he crushed the leaves of a gum tree into powder, made it into tea, and fed
it to his chickens, they would be cured.

The farmer then went to Mr. Ming, the great seer. Mr. Ming cast stones, read
tea leaves, and poked through entrails until finally he came up with the
answer: "Tea made from gum leaves will cause feathers to stick to chicken."

Now the farmer was ecstatic. The two wisest men in the land had given him
exactly the same prescription, so, as soon as he returned home, he took some
gum leaves and made tea from them. He mixed this with the chicken feed and
fed it to his chickens.

But it didn't work. The chickens continued to lose their feathers, and, with
the onset of winter, they all froze. The moral of this story:

"All of Ching's courses and all of Ming's ken, couldn't get gum tea to
feather a hen!"

Don Marco was born in Northern Minnesota in the late 1920's. His interest in art was evident even
before starting school. As a young adult in the Army Air Corp, he began his life's career in Air Traffic
Control, which continued until his retirement from Honolulu International Airport in 1973. Much of his
spare time was spent as a professional artist.

Before retirement, Don started developing a technique to create fine art using Crayola Crayons.
Shortly after retiring he published his first print. Living in Southern California, his work was in demand
ncluding commissions from Burt Reynolds and a one-man show at his Dinner Theater in Florida.

~ Peggy ~

A young Louisiana lad goes off to LSU, but about 1/3 of the way through
the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his
parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he
says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming
up with! Why, they actually have a program here at LSU that will teach
our dog Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that
program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the
course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls
his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this. they've had such good results with this program that
they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!" says his father. "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in
that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find
out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So, he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room kicked back
in the recliner, reading the Morning Advocate, like he usually does. Then
he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with
that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?"

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a gun before he talks to
your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"