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| ');document.writeln(' | ');document.writeln(' ');document.writeln(' ');document.writeln(' | ');document.writeln(' ');document.writeln(' ');document.writeln('  ');document.writeln(' ');document.writeln(' | ');document.writeln('
Bunny Rap
');document.writeln(' submitted by Becky
The Yeti and the Penguin
');document.writeln(' submitted by Steve R
Extreme Instability
');document.writeln(' submitted by Morrie
I haven\'t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the');document.writeln(' law.
');document.writeln(' ~ David Dinkins, New York City Mayor,
');document.writeln(' answering accusations that he failed');document.writeln(' to pay his taxes. ~
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' They gave me a book of checks. They didn\'t ask for any deposits.
');document.writeln(' ~ Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to
');document.writeln(' answer questions');document.writeln(' about the House Bank scandal. ~
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They');document.writeln(' had their eyes closed.
');document.writeln(' They were seated at their desks with their heads');document.writeln(' in a nodding position.
');document.writeln(' ~ John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding');document.writeln(' to a charge by
');document.writeln(' a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden');document.writeln(' Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job. ~
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' I didn\'t accept it. I received it.
');document.writeln(' ~ Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining');document.writeln(' the $1000 in cash and
');document.writeln(' two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists');document.writeln(' after he helped arrange a private interview
');document.writeln(' for them with First Lady Nancy');document.writeln(' Reagan. ~
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' Smoking kills. If you\'re killed, you\'ve lost a very important part of your');document.writeln(' life.
');document.writeln(' ~ Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal');document.writeln(' anti-smoking campaign. ~
Sure, it\'s going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something');document.writeln(' else anyway.
');document.writeln(' ~ Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane. ~
Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued.');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January');document.writeln(' 1, 1976.
');document.writeln(' ~ Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid. ~
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It\'s only the people who make them');document.writeln(' unsafe.
');document.writeln(' ~ Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia. ~
"I\'ve always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly');document.writeln(' underpolluted."
');document.writeln(' ~ Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining
');document.writeln(' why we');document.writeln(' should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the');document.writeln(' school board is extremely
');document.writeln(' pleased to announce the appointment of David');document.writeln(' Steele to the post.
');document.writeln(' ~ Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island ~
');document.writeln(' 
Texas A&M News Update
');document.writeln(' December 2004
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented');document.writeln(' a
');document.writeln(' bra that keeps women\'s breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples
');document.writeln(' from');document.writeln(' ');document.writeln(' pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' 
');document.writeln(' At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group
');document.writeln(' of men');document.writeln(' took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the crap out of him.
submitted by Dianne
');document.writeln('The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
');document.writeln(' He called his kids');document.writeln(' together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.
" Who never talks back');document.writeln(' to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "You do, Daddy!"
');document.writeln('
This man was in the hospital for some major medical work. One
');document.writeln(' particular nurse was beginning to bug him with questions like, "Is your
');document.writeln(' food OK, are you ready for your bath, can I get you anything, etc."
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' Well one morning they brought his breakfast in and before he finished, he
');document.writeln(' placed the botte of juice on the night table beside his bed. The nurse
');document.writeln(' came in a little later and gave him some pills to take and left a urine
');document.writeln(' bottle to be filled. When she left he poured the juice, which happened
');document.writeln(' to be apple juice, into the urine bottle.
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' A little later the nurse came in and collected the bottle for the lab. When she
');document.writeln(' picked it up she held it up to the light and remarked that it was pretty cloudy
');document.writeln(' today, whereupon the man snatched the bottle out of her hand and popped
');document.writeln(' the top and drank the entire contents saying, "I\'ll run it through again,');document.writeln(' maybe
');document.writeln(' it will clear it up some more."
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' The nurse fainted.
');document.writeln(' Warning Don\' t mess');document.writeln(' with the Ole folks
submitted by Eva
');document.writeln('
submitted by Matt
');document.writeln('
It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son
');document.writeln(' of a Mexican restaurateur who had recently immigrated, entered the
');document.writeln(' fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let\'s begin by reviewing some American
');document.writeln(' history.
Who said \'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?\' "
');document.writeln('She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up.
" Patrick Henry, 1775!"
"Very good! Who said \'Government of the people, by the people, for');document.writeln(' the
');document.writeln(' people, shall not perish from the earth "?
Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863!"
');document.writeln('The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
');document.writeln(' Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than
');document.writeln(' you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."
');document.writeln('"Who said that?" she demanded.
');document.writeln('Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836!"
');document.writeln('At that point, a student in the back said, "I\'m gonna puke."
');document.writeln('The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
');document.writeln('Again, Martinez. " George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, ');document.writeln(' 1991!"
');document.writeln('Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
');document.writeln('Martinez jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
');document.writeln(' teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said,
" ');document.writeln(' You little turd. If you say anything else, I\'ll kill you."
Martinez frantically yelled at the top of his voice,
" ');document.writeln(' Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001!"
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
');document.writeln(' someone said, "Oh crap, we\'re in BIG trouble now!"
Martinez whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003!"
');document.writeln('submitted by John');document.writeln(' S
');document.writeln('I can not be seen only heard and
');document.writeln(' I will not speak unless spoken to.
');document.writeln(' What am I?
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' 
16');document.writeln(' pounds and dropping...
');document.writeln('On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian');document.writeln(' aircraft use the other
');document.writeln(' side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.');document.writeln(' One day the tower received a call from
');document.writeln(' an aircraft asking, "What time');document.writeln(' is it?"
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is an');document.writeln(' American Airlines flight, it is 3 o\'clock.
');document.writeln(' If it is an Air Force plane, it');document.writeln(' is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army');document.writeln(' aircraft,
');document.writeln(' the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it');document.writeln(' is a Marine Corps aircraft, it\'s
');document.writeln(' Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy');document.writeln(' Hour."
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back');document.writeln(' road encountered
');document.writeln(' another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at');document.writeln(' the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked
');document.writeln(' the lieutenant as he pulled');document.writeln(' along side. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing
');document.writeln(' him the keys,"yours is."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting');document.writeln(' at his desk when an
');document.writeln(' airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone,
');document.writeln(' told');document.writeln(' the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes,General, I\'ll be');document.writeln(' seeing him this afternoon and
');document.writeln(' I\'ll pass along your message. In the meantime,');document.writeln(' thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as
');document.writeln(' though he had sufficiently');document.writeln(' impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' "');document.writeln(' Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I\'m just here to');document.writeln(' hook up your telephone."
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
');document.writeln(' Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
');document.writeln(' Officer: "That\'s no way to address an officer! Now let\'s try it again!"
');document.writeln(' Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
');document.writeln(' Soldier: "Sir, No, SIR!"
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
');document.writeln(' A: He\'ll tell you.
Q: What\'s the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
');document.writeln(' A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop.');document.writeln(' They were
');document.writeln(' both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers');document.writeln(' reached for some after-shave to slap
');document.writeln(' on their faces. The General shouted, "Hey, don\'t put that stuff on me! My wife will');document.writeln(' think I\'ve been in
');document.writeln(' a whorehouse!"
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on.
');document.writeln(' My');document.writeln(' wife doesn\'t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' "');document.writeln(' Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, " I');document.writeln(' suppose after you get
');document.writeln(' discharged from the Navy, you\'ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the');document.writeln(' Navy, I\'m never going to stand in line again!"
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs,');document.writeln(' he fumbled ');document.writeln(' for his
');document.writeln(' passport. "You \'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked');document.writeln(' sarcastically. The old
');document.writeln(' gent admitted that he had been to France previously.
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' "Zen, you should know enough to \'ave your passport ready for inspection."
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' The American said, "The last time I was in France, I didn\'t have to');document.writeln(' show a passport."
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' "Impossible. You Americans alwayz \'ave to show your passports on arrival');document.writeln(' in France!"
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly');document.writeln(' explained.
"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in \'44, I couldn\'t');document.writeln(' find any Frenchmen to show it to."
submitted by Matt
');document.writeln('
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
');document.writeln('"Here is the situation," she said.
');document.writeln('"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing.');document.writeln(' He loses
');document.writeln(' his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
"His wife hears the commotion, knows he can\'t swim, and runs down to');document.writeln(' the
');document.writeln(' bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A little girl raised her hand and suggested, "To draw out all his savings?"
');document.writeln('
');document.writeln(' 
submitted by John
');document.writeln('1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
');document.writeln(' Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
');document.writeln(' Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
');document.writeln(' They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
');document.writeln(' You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
');document.writeln(' Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
');document.writeln(' Polaroid\'s
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn\'t work?
');document.writeln(' A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn\'t Yours?
');document.writeln(' Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa\'s Helpers?
');document.writeln(' Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
');document.writeln(' Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
');document.writeln(' Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
');document.writeln(' Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
');document.writeln(' A Nervous Wreck.
14. What\'s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
');document.writeln(' Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
');document.writeln(' Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
');document.writeln(' Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don\'t Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
');document.writeln(' Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
');document.writeln(' Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
');document.writeln(' The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims\' Pants Always Fall Down?
');document.writeln(' Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What\'s The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
');document.writeln(' A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
');document.writeln(' A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
');document.writeln(' Somebody\'s Gonna Lose A Trailer
submitted by Steve');document.writeln(' R
');document.writeln('
Senators William B. Sprong of Virginia and Hiram
');document.writeln(' Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommmending the
');document.writeln(' mass ringing of bells to welcome the US table tennis
');document.writeln(' team to Hong Kong during its world tour.
The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of the
');document.writeln(' opportunity to pass the Sprong-Fong Hong Kong
');document.writeln(' Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.
Answer ');document.writeln(' to Riddle Me This
');document.writeln('An echo.
');document.writeln(' ');document.writeln('
submitted by Matt
');document.writeln('| ');document.writeln(' Click ');document.writeln(' here ');document.writeln(' for more of ');document.writeln(' thE wEeKLy sTUfF ');document.writeln('');document.writeln(' ');document.writeln(' ');document.writeln(' ');document.writeln(' ');document.writeln(' ');document.writeln(' | ');document.writeln('